Well last night Rob and I took time out of our already oh so short night to go to the hospital for an infant care course. Now before you get all snarky, I'd like to point out that the main reason we signed up for this class was for the infant CPR. As little as I know about babies, Rob pointed out to me that the majority of my knowledge would come from common sense, instinct, or from the three motherly sources in my life: my mom, his mom, and ashley. Not to mention the countless amounts of cousins, aunts, grandmothers, great grandmothers, and the general public who would no doubt give me their opinions whether I asked for them or not.
So, the CPR. We figured it would be a good skill to have and it has been years since either one of us took any kind of CPR or first aid. So I called the hospital (this is important- take note) and verified the class had CPR. Now I think you all know where this is going.
Rob came home early, and went on for about 5 minutes how it was so annoying that our class was three hours long (7-10pm!) and all he cared about was the CPR, and the rest would be stupid, etc. etc. We dragged our tired selves out of the house and made our way to the hospital, saw the thousands of pregnant women walking around, felt awkward, slightly terrified, and made our way to the classroom. We met the teacher. Found a spot towards the back of the classroom where I figured the teacher wouldn't be able to see Rob's eyes rolling. Got the itinerary. Read it over. Uh oh...something was missing...
The teacher walks in and introduces herself. The next words out of her mouth are, "For those of you looking to CPR, we stopped teaching that here. But here's a list of all the other places you can call or look into for CPR classes!" I avoided Rob's eyes, but I could feel the look. Somewhere between, "Die, traitor die" and "I'm slightly amused by the irony of the situation, but only slightly". He wrote on his paper, "Don't worry, I still love you, sort of." I assured him in whispers as the teacher went on explaining the class itinerary that I had CALLED THE HOSPITAL back in like December or January and that it must have changed and maybe we would learn some awesome things here anyways.
An hour and a half later, we were bored, the chairs were uncomfortable, and the people around us were either WAY too excited to be participating in the class (taking notes, asking questions and taking things too literally, generating some hostility between them and the rest of us) or in a state of boredom/terror over the information coming at them. Even with my limited knowledge, I had to agree that most of the class was super pointless and mundane. Rob was busy writing derogatory responses to the outline's more obvious points (don't leave your baby in the bathtub alone- really? ok!) and I was waiting anxiously for the break in between the 1.5 hour blocks.
The only redeeming point of the night was a full 5 minutes of hysterical laughter from all of us while watching clips from "Happiest Baby on the Block". The creepy creepy man in the video seemed a bit rapey as he explained the 5 "S's", but nothing was funnier than the babies' expressions as he went about all of these tips. For those of you who haven't heard of the 5 s's, they are: Swaddling, Side/Stomach positioning, Shushing, Swaying, and Sucking. They talk about layering these in that order until your baby has calmed down and stopped crying. For the most part I agree with all of that anyways, but the way it was portrayed was just so funny. The swaddling was funny to watch because, hi, they used all these cute little babies and what's funnier than a baby burrito? The side/stomach thing was funny because these babies would droop over the guy's arm like a ragdoll and lay there blissfully drooling. The funniest of them all was the shushing, because this was no calming hush sound. This was a wind tunnel in the ear SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH this man projected, and the baby's eyes got so big I thought they'd pop right out. They all made the craziest expressions, something along the lines of, "who is this crazy man and heck yes i'll shut up if it means he'll stop blowing in my ear!!!" I don't even remember the other two s's because Rob and I completely lost it over the shhhing part of the video. Luckily everyone else was laughing over the babies anyways so it kind of covered up our hysterical laughter.
Anyways, after 90 minutes of inane questions, boring facts, and some disturbing imagery of circumcision, Rob and I were ready to bail. The nipple confusion and detailed discussion of the best way to clean the baby girl's labia (sorry but thats what she said) was the final straw. Break time came around and Rob and I scooted out the back door, got food and came home an hour early to relax and recover.
Maybe we'll just watch baby CPR online.
1 comments:
Ohh, the 5 S's vid..we were forced to watch that in Germany before Ben was born. SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.....SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.....WOSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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