Today I'm playing the waiting game. After months of Rob insisting that the baby was coming today, I've been rather expectant. No sign yet but he's still got about 12 hours.
I've decided that there are a few things about being pregnant in society that need to change.
1) Just because I'm pregnant doesn't give you leave to talk to me and joke about my giant belly. Calling me fat and telling me to lay off the yogurt, while hilarious to you, is just annoying to me and only makes me want to stifle your laughter by taking said large belly and smacking you with it over and over until you pass out on the ground, where I end both our misery by crushing you with my newfound weight. Obviously I'm pregnant, you are a stranger, leave me alone to do what I need to do in peace. STRANGER DANGER!
2) When I complain how I sick I am of being pregnant, don't interrupt me by telling me that she needs to stay in there longer, how good it is for her, how bad it would be if she was born right now, etc. Just shut up. I didn't say. "Wouldn't it be funny if I could force the baby out and ensure that she stays in the hospital for 3 months just because I'm selfish enough to want to stop carrying a watermelon underneath my skin?" Shame on you all, because if you are a man or a woman who hasn't given birth you don't know what I'm going through, and if you are a mother then try and remember what the last bit felt like. OF COURSE I'm at liberty to complain.
3) Finally, and this is the big one, don't condole me by assuring me that she'll be here before I know it. Guess what? I know it! I've known it for weeks! Months! And she's not here. So though you are trying to make me feel better, please don't. If you really want to condole me, buy me chocolate or send me off for a massage or pedicure.
Once these few social faux pas get straightened out, pregnant women everywhere will become a little less grumpy, I promise you. Because although underneath the strained smiles, daggers of hate are being shot into the air, we really just want to laugh the whole thing off and enjoy the few moments in between the misery. Don't ruin my few moments with your idiocy. Thank you.
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6 comments:
hahaha. so true..don't worry you most definitely are not the only one shooting daggers of hate..just tuesday someone told me to lay off the donuts...
Hahahahahahahahahaha!
Awesome. :)
#1: Haven't you had that baby yet? You mean you're still pregnant? Is something wrong?
#2: You think you're tired now? Just wait till you have that baby, har, har, har. You'd better enjoy this while you can! (<--seriously... what the heck. Enjoy this?)
#3: You response of "Wouldn't it be funny if I could force..." is my new favorite line EVER. I think I am going to steal it.
#4: Ah, yes. Advice. Advice sucks. But here it is nonetheless: If it's at all possible to trick your brain into considering 41 weeks as your new due date, you should try. Maybe you'll be better at it than I was. I always had the sneaking suspicion I would go early, so when I went to 42 weeks with both my pregnancies, I felt like I was 4-5 weeks overdue. :( If I'm ever pregnant again, I'm just going to tell people my 42 week due date right from the beginning so there's less anxiety built up. I'd just hate for you to go through what I did: I arrived in January (due date of the 18th, 2nd child) and thought: YAAAY! Birth Month!... and then gave birth on February 3rd.
#5: How gutsy are you? I always wanted to drag my husband with me to a grocery store and buy a pregnancy test at 9 months pregnant, just to see the cashier's expression. Try to wear something big and bulky so it's not obvious you're in maternity clothes.
Becky-
#1 I literally bounced with excitement when I got your comment. My first one from a non-family member! Maybe I'm not as boring as I was afraid of!
#2 Feel free to use the phrase free of charge!
#3 I'm down with getting rid of due dates and assigning a due period. Whenever I think of May 29th (day after due date) my eye twitches a little.
#4 I'd totally do it. My husband however, might run. He still doesn't like to stand next to me in the condom aisle.
Wait... you mean you actually manage to get over your embarrassment and visit the condom aisle?
No wonder I have so many babies. :/
ok, I really love reading your blog, absolutely always makes me smile or laugh. I love you guys! I said it before, will say it again...publish :)
ok i admit i have said all those things. and now, i will promptly shut up. however, i am showing up in florida the 3rd weekend of May. and I will just have to wait with you.
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